By Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach
Every couple of years the topic of identical twins hits thefront cover of Newsweek. In fact it's about time now--bewatching! Most people find the topic fascinating. Therelationship between identical twins looks good from theoutside; a seamless interface, and they seem to enjoy oneanother’s company so much.
Research confirms that, indeed, identical twins are morealtruistic to their sibling than fraternal twins (just siblingsborn at the same time) or regular siblings. They care about eachother and show it in their actions.
Identical twins also function exceptionally smoothly as a teamand as such are a model for another important "team" -- maritalpartners.
Research says having identical genes helps with some of this,but that the rest is because they spend exponentially more timetogether than regular siblings. Putting together myinsider's-knowledge ;-) with research, here are some tips forlearning how to have as much fun in your relationship:
1. We're in it for the long haul.
Kids, of course, have to see it that way because they can'tleave, and most of us do commit more to blood relatives, perhapsbecause of the “selfish gene” theory (amplified because twinsshare the same genes). Whatever the reason, when the thought ofparting simply never occurs, it smooths over a lot of roughspots in the road. You can focus on “what can we do to getbeyond, over, around, or through this” instead of “I’m outahere.” QUESTION: Every time you don’t get along, do you (1) puta little more weight on that foot that’s always halfway out thedoor, or (2) consider that 25 years from now, this particularthing isn’t even going to register on the radar screen?
2. Best, best friends.
Twins are notorious for closing rank when attacked from theoutside. When a third person threatens to disturb theequilibrium, they turn and face the enemy together, with aunited front. Identical twins are usually well-liked (since theyknow how to get along), but they don't "trade up".
QUESTION: If someone tries to come in between you and yourspouse -- a mother-in-law, someone who wants to have an affair,or your savvy teenage daughter who wants to “divide andconquer,” do you (1) take the bait or (2) laugh, becausenothing’s going to get between you and your best friend, theman/woman you married.
3. Let's ...
This is the sweetest word in the English language, when it'sfollowed by, "Yeah, let's!" "Let's" is the contraction for "Letus," and is a continual part of twins' lives. "Let’s learn howto dive ... let’s make friends with ... let’s try that new food....Want to?" "Yeah, let’s!"
There’s the underlying assumption that doing it with your buddyis more fun which applies to cleaning toilets as well aswatching movies! What couples can miss, is that doing thingstogether is bonding. It may not be as efficient, but, hey,that's for the workplace. What a married couple can give oneanother that no one else can, is time together.
QUESTION: What do you say when the house needs cleaning? (1)Let’s tackle this and then we can go to the movies for a reward.or your job. or (3) Why should I help you clean the house? Youcan do it yourself. or (4) It’s more efficient if I do itmyself.
4. All trails lead to ...
At the end of the day, whether you've won or lost the account,the promotion, the confrontation, the tennis match, who will bethere to celerbate with you or to help you take the blow andbounce back? QUESTION: Are you there for your partner (1) inbody, because you live in the same house so you gotta show up(but reading the newspaper and working the remote keeps youinaccessible), or (2) fully present – emotionally, mentally,physically and spiritually.
5. What’s good for him/her is good for me.
If I helped my twin polish the Chopin piece for the pianorecital and it went well, everyone was happy – mom, dad, thepiano teacher, me, her. The sun shown all around. If she helpedme get the dishes done quicker, everyone was happy and there wasmore time to do something fun.
Everyone happy is a description of the forcefield you live in.
QUESTION: Do you (1) Rant and rave about your rights andentitlements, the Rules of Marriage According to You (or Dr. X),and who’s "doing all the giving" and who's "pathetic". or (2) Dowhatever it takes to keep the sun shining on your communal worldremembering there are not "winners" and "losers" in marriage,either you both win, or you both lose.
6. Share and share-alike.
In high school, we shared all our clothes. Why? We could do themath. It's a fact of life that when you share, things multiplyand you get more, not less.
QUESTION:Do you (1) try and commandeer all resources like moneyand time for your own pursuits and benefit? Or (2) do the math,and find that if he succeeds, you succeed, and that a boat youboth can enjoy together might be a better investment than ahunting lease he’ll go to alone.
7. Two heads are better than one.
We moved every three years as my father worked his way up in hisprofession. Difficult for any kid, it was greatly cushionedbecause we always moved with our best friend. We did ittogether. When we hit the new school, we brainstormed about howto get along with the new kids, who would be the friends tomake, how to handle the English teacher, how to find your wayhome ...
QUESTION: Do you (1) Use and appreciate your partner’s brainsmentally or (2) Consider it a competition and you’ve got to bethe smart one, so she can’t be. Or (3) Attack him/her every timehe/she “treats you like a kid,” “tries to tell you what to do,”“thinks they know it all” or “dominates” you by sharing theirwisdom and knowledge.
8. Are you there like the Cheshire cat’s grin?
Sounds a bit sugary to you, all this togetherness? We fought, ohyes, probably worse than regular siblings do. So what? The bondwas never broken. With the assumption of "forever" as solid asit is in childhood, what difference if you fight?
QUESTION: Do you (1) do everything possible to preserve thepeace, including compromise your principles, lose your “self” inappeasement, withdraw into stony silence rather than “upset”things, make small, stuff it down and begin the road tofestering resentment, and/or choose a path of continual retreatfrom the relationship or (2) fight and make up, and don’t make amemo of it.
9. She said/He said. I know because I took notes
Studies with twins show they have a silent language, usuallyunderstood only by the two of them (and maybe an observantparent). When I did a study on two twins for graduate school, Ihave a pair of twin over to my house to observe them. At onepoint they were sitting out back on the porch swing, andsuddenly, without a wordor action I could discern, without eventurning their heads to look at one another, they rose and headedfor the swimming pool together. It was uncanny.
Words are not the most important way we communicate, usually notthe most effective, and definitely not the easiest way. 90% ofcommunication is nonverbal. To build this nonverbal attunement,you have to spend a lot of time in close proxixmity with theother person.
QUESTION: Do you (1) Talk like Venus and Mars and cause galacticbad feelings? Or (2) Touch her cheek with tenderness, press yourhand upon his forearm to center him when he’s angry, give himthatmlook when his mother starts acting weird again, to let himknow you understand (what words can’t say) and that he’ll befine, have a secret signal for when one of you has had it andit’s time to go home?
10. Yeah, but it’s easy when you’re the same sex, and kids.
No, same-sex couples have their problems, and childhood’s easierthan what?
However, we don’t get along as easily now. Why? Because we livefar apart and don’t get to see each other much. I don’t read heras well as I used to. We argue more.
Do you (1) give your relationship token time, energy, and beingtogether? Or (2) spend so much time together than you’re deeplyattuned?
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